Monday, March 5, 2012
Ever wonder what being empty-headed would feel like? Sometimes I do.
Certain advantages are obvious. Think of the storage space! Not having to carry a lunch pail, a handy place of concealment for your iPhone or wallet, that elusive storage bay for when you're trying to juggle one thing too many and you need a temporary residence for the Stilton and that bottle of Chateau Latour so you can find your car keys; the possibilities are as bewildering in their variety as a snowstorm in June. Consider, for example, that you'd never risk losing your car keys again if you could store them in your head. They might periodically poke the backs of your eyes. What a small price to pay for peace of mind! All you had to do was pitch your mind in the trash.
Catching errant thoughts would be a breeze. Who cares if they're not yours? It would be worth it to sieve out all the rotten thoughts, leaving the happy ones behind, even if you end up catching a little bird crap now and again. This would be a commercial-free experience. The big corporations haven't yet figured out how to pollute your brain directly (though I'm positive they're working on it). Imagine a head full of pleasant notions, rose petals, an extra anorak, a list of the most expensive Italian shoes. Maybe even a bunny. Or--oh wait, this is AWESOME--you could rent out the space!! Think of that! Your empty head trusted to hold the valuables of some celebrity or Head of State! You could be walking about normal as anything while Chuck Norris's extra underpants are safely concealed in your noggin. That has to be worth some serious cash.
It would probably fill up with rain water. You'd need to beware of large men wanting to use you as a beer stein. I suppose that would only be in Germany. Falling victim to pranksters would be a risk. How long would it take you to notice your head was full of grass clippings? Or condoms filled with Crisco? Or a dead cat? Elephants might reach from their cages and root around inside your skull without permission. A latch or zipper might be appropriate.
Think about it. Or don't! What has your mind ever given you but trouble, anyhow?